"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing"
Criticism can be defined as "The expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes."
A much loved interview question is "tell us about a time you received constructive criticism and how did you handle it". They are looking for you to give a calm, measured account of how someone pointed out a shortcoming, and how you calmly acted to that. Action: you thanked the person and immediately implemented that change. Result? You are now a much better person and employee as a result.
Reality? You remember that time your not so nice colleague said something horrible to you in the guise of "feedback" and you lost the plot. If not to him directly, then in your head. You told everyone who would listen "Can you believe what Mike just said to me?". You went into total fight or flight mode, and you either fought back or you totally withdrew, either way muttering in your head what an a**hole. He doesn't understand, does he not know everything I have on my plate? Sound familiar? If not, fair play as this was definitely something I struggled with, and had to work hard to move past.
Criticism vs Constructive Feedback
In my mind, there is a clear difference between criticism and constructive feedback. Constructive feedback is just that - it's designed to be helpful or constructive. The person has likely thought about if the feedback is necessary, true and kind, how best to give the feedback, they've chosen their words carefully, how and where they give the feedback, they use recent examples and tie it to real scenarios that happened. They show you empathy and understanding. "I understand you might have done it this way as time was a constraint". This is useful. While hard to hear, it feels fair and clear, and we owe it to ourselves to dig into this.
Criticism feels personal. And why shouldn't it, it comes from a place of judgment not growth. Especially for those who love what they do, your worth and your career become very interlinked. So when someone criticises our work, it feels like a personal criticism and that can be tough to handle.
Should you criticise?
No. Give feedback but don't criticise. Criticism invites fault finding and judgment. Countless research studies that this this sort of leadership style doesn't get results, so don't engage with it. Do have the courage to have difficult conversations where you offer feedback, but don't fill the cheap seats and criticise.
What to do with criticism when you get it?
First know it's going to feel bad. Acknowledge that, maybe write it down to get it out of your head and move on. Criticism doesn't come from a good place, so it's designed to feel this way. Remember, you decide how you respond though. "Control the controllables " i.e. your response. I find "thank you for your feedback" works just nicely. Be calm and measured in your reply, and don't feel obligated to respond with detail in that very moment.
It's also very tempting when you are criticised to defend yourself. I don't think that's useful, as you usually come off as being defensive. If the person really wanted to know what had led to the situation or scenario they are criticising, they would have asked. So they don't care even if you do share the "why". Save that reflection and analysis for yourself.
Is there any truth in it? While it may have been designed to wound, we should find every opportunity we can to become better versions of ourselves. A good tip here, is I imagine the criticism coming from someone I trust and admire. Someone I know is invested in seeing me grow. This can completely change our reaction to the criticism, as we have reframed it to a more positive source. So we've acknowledged it hurt, we responded well, we reflected on what we could learn and then we make a change if we think there is one to be made. We don't do it for the person giving the criticism; we do it for ourselves.
Learn when not to care and when to share. It's an instinctual reaction to forward the critical message, or share the experience with those you trust. You want to be validated for what you did. But does it really help? Sometimes not. Sharing these experiences to bond with others, means you're bonding over very negative experiences, or a joint dislike of a specific person and that it not particularly healthy. I think if it is happening frequently from the same person, then absolutely, you could be looking at a scenario that you need to speak up to a manager or HR about. Ask advice from someone you trust before you go down that road.
Lastly be kind to yourself. Shaming and blaming yourself about something in the past is fruitless. Calling yourself names, or beating yourself up is pointless "I'm an idiot"; "I should have spotted that". That time has passed, you cannot change it now. And hindsight is a beautiful thing! A positive affirmation works well to help you move past the criticism in a positive manner. I am a big fan of "I am doing the best I can with what I know right now". Why? Because it is true. I don't start my day wondering how I can fail. I start each day off trying to be a better person, including doing my job well. Sometimes I get there, sometimes I don't. That is called being human.
Positive affirmations as a way to work through criticism
Often when we get things wrong, the person who will be most judgmental about this is ourselves. We beat ourselves up. "Oh you should have noticed that." "Why did you do that?" "That's so obvious, you are so stupid." We speak to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to others. We know as leaders that shaming and blaming a colleague or team member doesn't result in positive and lasting change, yet often we freely use that language when we speak to ourselves.
Positive affirmations are a way to show ourselves self-compassion and move past criticism in a positive manner.
Here are some positive affirmations you can use to sooth yourself in these moments:
"I am still learning; I forgive myself and I move on."
"I forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made."
"I allow myself to let go of anger and emotional pain."
"I catch myself and gently correct myself if needed."
"I choose not to take things personally."
"I am learning how to make better choices."
"I let go of my need to control things and to always be right."
"I have compassion and kindness towards myself."
And the most powerful of all
"Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know."
Five tips to recover from criticism
1. I never lose. I either win or I learn
Failure is an inevitable part of life. The trick is you want to fail forward. You want to design a life where as time passes, you create "better problems" for yourself. So lean into the truths, make the changes and keep moving forward.
2. Practice self compassion
Being kind to yourself is one of the greatest kindnesses. I find using the positive affirmations above really help with being more compassionate towards myself. It could also look like giving yourself some breathing space to process the criticism e.g. take a walk in the fresh air before going back to your desk, listen to some music or practice some mindfulness.
3. Find the truths, lean into them and make changes
Criticism can be 100% painful, but also 100% valid. We should approach it with curiosity "how did it make you feel?", leaning into our growth mindset by considering how we can use the experience to grow. How can you use it as a tool to rise and succeed even more? Remember it is not enough to just find the truth. Action comes from confidence. So ask yourself "What is the simplest thing I can do right now to improve?"
4. Lead a balanced life
Discover an identity that is tied to more than just your work. Develop new interests, hobbies, goals and dreams. Take that art class. Make time for your yoga. Learn a language. Lead a life where lots of different parts of it are bringing you joy and fulfillment. I like to think about life in four quadrants: Health, Wealth, Love and Fulfillment, and I try to course correct when I can see one part taking over. When your life is in balance, then professional criticism will just be that; it won't feel personal.
5. Build resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. Everyday brings a new opportunity for your growth. Every challenge we take on has the power to knock us to our knees. But what's even more disconcerting than the jolt itself is our fear that we won't withstand it." (Oprah Winfrey, What I Know for Sure" ) But here is the thing. Think about your worse day? Did you survive it? Well the answer must be yes if you are reading this. So if you've survived your worse days, you will survive this.
The only man who makes no mistakes is the man who never does anything - Theodore Roosevelt
In conclusion, it's not the criticism or critic that counts. It is what you do with it that matters most.
Change takes time and effort, but good changes are worth it in the long run. For me, the biggest work I had to do on handling criticism was to learn to respond rather than react, to show myself kindness and compassion when I made mistakes and to widen my identity to be more than just my work. I am still on this journey, and would love for you to share your experiences so we can walk this path together.
Comments