I've previously written about the concept of trust, where eminent authors like Dr. Brene Brown have given us useful frameworks to build trust with others.
I found that when I was having these conversations about trust, there would always be at least one person who speaks up to say that they just trust inherently, that you don't have to earn their trust, they just give it away. I find this to be very intriguing - here is me talking about the need to lay building blocks for trust, and here are these people talking about just giving you the keys to their home the first time you meet them.
So it is that possible, can you just give your trust away? And which is better, to give away your trust or to expect people to work for it?
"Trust should be granted, not earned " - Mike Robbins
Big Hearted Fools?
I think there is something that makes the concept of just giving away your trust very big hearted. That makes those of us who are more cautious feel like we are guarded and distrustful. You could also assert that giving away trust without evidence is naïve, especially if you're someone who has ever been burned when a person has broken your trust.
I personally don't resonate with just giving trust away immediately, as I believe for trust to be deep and long lasting it requires reciprocation and intention. How can you possibly know or have that on a first meeting? It seems more reasonable to me that trust comes with time, just as mastery comes with practice, and wisdom with experience.
In my personal experience the people who give away their trust are not as intentional about building trust. Why would they, when they're already in the energy of trust from the very beginning? I'm not at that same trust level yet though and I'm working through my trust process, but finding the trust building exchange all quite one sided. Which makes sense: I'm searching out for the little moments to help us build trust e.g. them being impeccable with their word, while they're at full throttle trust having already given it away. I guess there is a mismatch in reciproation from my perspective.
As I've reflected on this, something interesting that I realised was that the people who said that they just gave their trust away, were actually some of the people who I trusted least in the workplace. Isn't that interesting. As I pondered it, I wondered if it was because they didn't need to consider trust as they saw it as inherent, while I needed the displays of support and accountability for me to trust them. In their mind they'd already given trust to me, therefore no action was needed. For me, I was watching out for signs of their trust, and they weren't displaying them, I guess because they didn't feel like they needed to, as in their mind we trusted each other already.
Everyone has baggage
Trusting people is wonderful when those people are deserving of that trust. Past experience may have taught some of us though to distrust others. In other words, if we’re burned, disappointed, or hurt in life, we can decide, “I’m not doing that again,” and put up barriers to keep stay safe, reducing our natural propensity to trust (Mike Robbins https://mike-robbins.com/trust-is-granted-not-earned/).
I offer this thought so that the more cautious among us (like me), don't feel that a slow burning trust approach originates from mean spiritedness, but rather an assumed defence created due to negative past experiences. Perhaps this is as good a time as any to look at those protective structures to see what you still need for the people and situations in your life right now?
How does the trust maths work?
I find it interesting to reflect on what happens if a person does let you down or disappoint you, do trust first people then take away their trust? Is it like I give you a 100 at the start and then each indiscretion lowers than trust pot? Or does your trust level remained unchanged, no matter what the other person does? Do you think everyone is trustable, even when their behaviour indicates otherwise? I always found that intriguing because depending on how trust first people operate, are you taking things away from our relationship rather than building on it like a more cautious minded person? It seems very generous at the start, but long term starts to look like our trust have the potential to diminish, not increase. Or are you naïve when the trust remains unchanged, even when behaviours show a possible need to reevaluate.
What if we wanted to trust more easily?
Michael Bernard Beckwith calls this being “consciously naïve,” saying "We almost always get what we expect in life." . The sentiment being, that if trust others more naturally, that we can expect to have more trust in our lives.
What are some practical ways to do that?
Start from a higher base
I do believe that trusting more easily is a positive trait. In a trust first approach, you assume best intent when you meet someone. That the person is inherently worthy of trust. These are great perspectives to bring into the trust building process, as it allows you to grant another a higher level of trust from the very beginning, allowing trust to be built quicker as the process starts from a higher foundation.
Be trustworthy
We should never expect others to act in ways we are unwilling to. In the the spirit of, we get back what we put out, practice being trustworthy to others. This could look like assuming best intent regarding a situation or another's behaviour, be impeccable with your word when you say you will do something, and find those micromoments to build trust in the relationship, like keeping a confidence.
Make trust a priority
How you will need to do this will look differ from situation to situation, but good communication is going to the foundation on which this is built. This means telling people what trust looks like for you, or explaining why you have had trust issues in the past. For example, explain the importance of having someone arrive on time to an appointment with you. At least that way, what it takes to build the trust is out in the open, making it clear and transparent to both parties, regardless of your natural approach to trust building.
To conclude, I don't think there is a perfect approach or level of trust to begin with, it's something you will need to look at calibrating throughout life. What I hope this blog post gets you thinking on is how others' approach may differ, and so take that into account in the process of trust.
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