Yesterday was my birthday. I'm now 35 years on this planet. And it got me thinking about some of the best life lessons I've learned over that time. The advice, learnings, and life experiences that have shaped the person I am becoming. And I say becoming as I'm still evolving. I'm still not the person I was put on this planet to be. But I'm getting closer.
Normally on your birthday, someone will make a comment about you being "another year wiser". I feel maybe this year that might actually be true! I might finally be at a stage in my life where I am finally stepping into myself and letting my true self shine through. And boy is that hard. It's filled full of fear, shame and judgment. From myself and from other people. But when you start to know who you really are, those emotions start to fall away when you can be confident in your ability to live like you were meant to.
So what have I learned during the last 35 years?
Lesson 1: Control the controllables
Worrying about situations, people and "what-ifs" that are out of your control is a fast track ticket to a life of misery. Why? You cannot control other people. Their opinions, actions and perspectives are not within your control, no matter how hard you try to influence them. Thinking someone "should" do or be something will be your biggest source of stress. Worry less about others, and focus on what you can control and change - you.
Lesson 2: Let other people's opinions inform you, not form you
If you do things to make other people happy you will always be miserable. Why? What you do will likely still not make others happy as you don't share the same worldview as them, and now you're unhappy too. Absolutely take on board advice, constructive feedback, expert knowledge, and mentorship from people who have achieved what you are trying to. But use that as a guiding compass rather than a rigid set of directions to get you to where you want to go.
Lesson 3: Do things you enjoy, even if you are not good at them
When we were young, we felt much less fear and judgment. So we danced, sang, draw and played sports, even if we weren't "good" at any of these things. Why? We enjoyed them. They make us feel alive. And then we stopped doing them as we got older as we were told we had no rhythm, or sang out of tune, or we weren't good enough to make the sports team. So? Who said you have to win at everything you do. Maybe it is just enough that you enjoy it and it brings you joy?
Lesson 4: Work less
"What do you do?" This is one of the most common questions we're asked as adults when we're meeting someone new. So it's not surprising that for many of us, what we work at defines a huge part of who we are. Our worth and our work are very interconnected. But do you know the thing with work? You are replaceable. When you leave they find someone else to do that job. If you were to leave your family or friends, would you be replaceable? No. So why are you always prioritizing your work, where you are a replaceable commodity, rather than your inner circle, where you are not? Work is important, but it's just one part of who we are. If we only focus on work, then that totally defines you. You don't want that. Balance in life is key.
Lesson 5: Find the joy in every day
Many of us live for the weekend. Or our holidays. We white knuckle through days, weeks or months of our life in anticipation for these occasions. But what if today was your last day? That holiday, or Friday feeling isn't much use to you then. Do things everyday that bring you joy. Whether that is a meal out, a walk in the outdoors, a workout session or call a friend etc, make these a part of your daily routine. Take the time to enjoy your life - you deserve to. When you start to do what you like to do all the time, then you don't need to live for a time in the future, like the weekend or a holiday, when you get a break from your life. You love your live everyday as it is, as each day brings you joy.
Lesson 6: Read as much as you can
Reading is one of the best ways to create lifelong learning. Whether it is hard copy books, audio books, blogs, podcasts etc, widen your knowledge and your mind by reading more. Audio books and podcasts have made this so accessible, even for those with the shortest of attention spans. Not only will reading expand your practical knowledge, challenge your thinking, it will also increase your vocabulary to help you to articulate yourself and communicate better.
Lesson 7: Eat to nourish yourself, not to starve or punish yourself
Like most women, body image is something I've had to contend with. Societal norms for a white woman dictate that we should be trying to make ourselves as small as possible for our body to be acceptable. No matter the cost (eating disorders, wasted experiences and countless money spent on diets & diet clubs). When we take up less space, we are deemed more worthy. I don't agree. I think we should eat to nourish ourselves. Being skinnier doesn't equate to being healthier. Nourishing ourselves equates to being healthier. Sometimes nourishment means a fresh summer salad, and sometimes nourishment means a delicious Indian takeaway on a cold winter night. (With naan, always with naan!)
Lesson 8: Never loose touch with your friends
As we get older, and "life gets in the way", we can start to loose touch with our friends. Family and work commitments start to take priority, and we just don't have time right? Wrong. Imagine if your kids are only hanging out with adults, how healthy is that for them? It's not. You would want them to have friends their own age. So how come you don't deserve the same? Good friends can bring great joy to your life, so make time for them.
Lesson 9: Some people are assholes
Sometimes you meet crap people. A partner, a boss, a friend. And we spend countless hours when these relationships go astray ruminating over what went wrong, what could we have done differently, and wondering "what if". Don't. Some people are assholes and the only thing they teach you in life is how not to act. Learn that lesson and exit those people from your life. Assholes don't want to change, and you don't want them in your life. When you know your value, you are less tolerant of those who don't. With only roughly 900 months on this earth, don't waste time on people who don't deserve your time.
Lesson 10: Practice an attitude of gratitude
Our brain is hardwired to find the negatives; it's called the negativity bias. Even when a million things go right, we find and focus on the one thing that went wrong. Gratitude really helps to focus our minds on what is good in our lives. It helps combat our negativity bias. Take time to say thank you and really feel that gratitude. And what you will discover is that it is often the simplest of things that we are most grateful for: being outdoors in nature, an enjoyable run, a cold beer in the hot sun. Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to put this into practice.
Lesson 11: Tell the people that you love that you love them
Don't assume they know. Tell them. And tell them often.
Lesson 12: Get a pet
We should all love unconditionally, and pets are a huge source of unconditional love. They don't have the capacity to upset us the way humans can, their quirky habits are endearing, not annoying. It's also really important to be responsible for someone other than yourself. While you might skip a meal or a workout, you won't want to put your dog through a missed meal or walk, and will make the effort to take care of them, even on your hardest days.
Lesson 13: You've survived all your toughest days
Ever had those days where you're not quite sure how you're going to get through it? How you want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and quietly disappear. Do you remember a day like that? Then if you did, it means you survived it. We are made of tougher things that we can ever imagine.
Lesson 14: You can't bring things to your grave
We often get caught up in materialistic things. A bigger house. A better car. A fancy yoga mat. Buying fancy things makes us feel good, shows our status to the world or we use things as a reward to ourself. And none of that is wrong or bad in itself. But when are sitting on our deathbed, we're likely not going to be thinking about the fact we always had a fancy car. We are going to be thinking about that time we did yoga on the beach in Mauritius during sunrise, and how it was one of the most peaceful and serene memories of our life. We will bring our memories and experiences with us, not our things. True value is not in what you own, but in who you are. In the end what matters is how much happiness you bought to those you loved, and that you did things that you loved.
Lesson 15: Look after yourself first
What, is that not selfish? No. This is like the safety instructions we get on airplanes, when we are told to put on our oxygen mask first, before attempting to help anyone else. Put your oxygen mask on first i.e. do the things that nourish you, so you're in a position to help others. Active recovery is so important, otherwise we are destined to bounce between performance, survival and burnout. Make commitments to yourself and honour them. Self care looks different to everyone, or different for you at different stages in your life e.g. meditation, a long bath without the kids, gardening etc. Fill your time with what fills you back in. Like technology we all need to unplug and recharge to continue to work optimally.
Lesson 16: Make room for silence
We need more being, and less doing in our 21st century lives. It's a badge of honor to be busy, dashing from one appointment to the other, running errands or being constantly plugged in to technology, meaning we go ages without spending times alone in silence. How can you hear what your mind, heart and soul are saying if you are not giving them time to speak to you?
Lesson 17: Shame will keep us powerless
Shame is a tricky emotion. It is designed to keep us stuck, in patterns or habits that are no longer serving us. We're ashamed that we've been spending more than we should, and the shame keeps us from asking for help or advice that could help us. What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human. Surface your shame triggers to move past them.
Lesson 18: Happiness is a journey, not a destination
"I will be happy when [INSERT X GOAL HERE]. When I am a size 10. When I have a house. When I get a new job. But if you are not happy getting there, you won't be happy when you get there. You need to do the work to be happy along the way.You should always look to tackle the root of something, rather than mask it. Wanting to be a size 10 may be related to self confidence, self esteem, a sense of feeling more worthy at an accepted size, wanting to fit in etc. Figure out what is driving your goals so you can be happy along the way, not just at the end. Happiness is the result of the person you've chosen to be, not as a result of certain events happening or not happening.
Lesson 19: Get into the photos
I've always hated photos, generally because I haven't liked how I looked in them. So I've went to all these amazing places, and there are loads of photos of the landscape, food & drink, those I've traveled with, but only a handful of me. Now I realise I can get into the photo. When you look back at that photos in years to come, you won't be judging how much you weighed, or what you were wearing, you will remember how beautiful it was climbing that volcano to watch the sun rise.
Lesson 20: Write things down
Our grandparents were the generation of letter writers, which has weaned with the advent of technology. But imagine reading something that your 20 year old self had written? How cool would that be, to have a window back into that person, to see how far you've come or changed. To me, the modern day version of letter writing, is journaling and I love rereading notes in my journals from my past self.
Lesson 21: Get deep
We were all put on this life for a purpose, what is yours? If you can't answer this question, or haven't spent any time thinking about this, then do. To live our best, most authentic life, rather than living through autopilot or other people's expectations of us, requires us to really know ourselves and what we want. You need to put in the work and thinking time to discover that. But the payoff is huge. When you live a life true to you, it's full of joy and daily gratitudes.
Lesson 22: Be kind
In a world where you can be anything, be kind. Whether this is random acts of kindness e.g. sending someone a book you think they would enjoy, buying a colleague their favourite coffee unexpectedly, kindness is a true joy and feels good for both the giver and the receiver.
Lesson 23: Smile
At the person in the shop. To the stranger on the street. To yourself in the mirror. When you smile, it can change your whole mood, and the moods of those around you. Be the reason someone smiles today.
Lesson 24: Don't buy what you can't afford
As you get older, financial institutions will offer you finance, credit cards, loans etc. When you buy on credit, you can quickly get into a lot of debt. It's tempting, as the instant gratification is huge. I deserve that new car, I've been working hard. But things feel best when they are earned. If you want that new fancy handbag, then save for it first.
Lesson 25: Time versus priorities
"I would love to [INSERT GOAL HERE] but I don't have the time". That's a myth. If what you want is a priority, then you will make the time. When you observe your daily routine, you will generally find there is time that you are wasting e.g. an hour at the end of every day that you spend mindlessly scrolling on social media. Perfect, now that time becomes your meditation time. Or perhaps you're right, maybe your day is jam packed. But if your goal is a priority, then you learn what to loose e.g. your commute, or change e.g. you simply get up earlier to make time. No one said that change was easy!
Lesson 26: Change is not easy
We have a vision of ourselves in our heads. People around us have a vision of us in their heads. So when we start to change, this challenges who we are for everyone. Change takes sacrifice. We will make mistakes and screw up. We will want to quit. But if we want to change because it is something that makes us come alive and improve our life, then we will find a way through the messy middle to the other, positive, side of change. Know when you change though, it will often mean leaving things behind. Sometimes that means people and jobs.
Lesson 27: How you talk to yourself is important
Your biggest enemy can often lie between your own two ears. Keeping our inner critic at bay, and learning to talk to ourselves with self compassion are the most life changing things we can learn to do. A good rule of thumb, is to speak to yourself like you would your best friend. Or just generally try not to be mean to yourself!
Lesson 28: Travel as often as you can
Travel widens your mind, as it exposes you to different cultures, societal norms, people who look different to you and new food. Go to new places. Have the adventures. Try new things.
Lesson 29: Your health is important
And not just your physical health. Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. So while you should look after your nutrition, move as often as you can and sleep well, don't neglect the non physical elements either. Meditation, therapy, coaching or simply talking to those you trust are just a few of the things that will help you proactively take care of the non physical aspects of your health.
Lesson 30: Feel your feelings
If you don't allow yourself to feel your feelings, you will repress them, or try to numb them. Numbing normally occurs through food, alcohol, work or exercise addictions. Allow yourself to feel how you are feeling, and don't rush yourself to get past it. Try to put a label on the emotion. e.g. fear, shame, embarrassment. Your feelings will impact your actions, and your actions will impact your results, so you need to know what is going on for you emotionally.
Lesson 31: What's for you, won't pass you
What is meant for you will not pass by you. If things don't work out, then it means it wasn't for you. That's very passive though, are you saying I should just let life happen to me? No, you won't manifest what you want in life by visualization alone - you need to do the work, take the actions, make the changes. But sometimes we are striving towards certain goals and are disappointed when they don't work out as planned. That's when we have to put our trust in the fact that the opportunity was not the right one for us. I've seen this again and again with jobs - it's disappointing when you don't get the job, especially after eight interviews. But if you don't, it doesn't mean that you are lacking - it means that the opportunity was not yours. Your opportunity is still to come.
Lesson 32: Pay attention: don't always be on autopilot
Have you ever drove somewhere and not really remembered the journey? That's because your brain was on autopilot, as it is for many of our day to day activities e.g. taking a shower, brushing our teeth, eating etc. If you want to switch off autopilot so you are more present in your life, I recommend to pay attention to being more mindful. Being mindful means living in the moment and truly experiencing what is happening now. For example, when you brush your teeth, do it with your opposite hand, and now see how you start to pay attention. I resisted mindfulness for the longest time. It was rubbish, I don't have the time, it doesn't work for me, does that mean I have to meditate etc. But then I realised I was over-complicating it. For me, it's just about finding ways to pay attention during the day e.g. don't check my phone when my friend leaves the table, instead savour the environment I am in, and pay attention to what is going on around you. Eat at the kitchen table rather than in front of the TV, or scrolling on my phone. Simple, but game changing to be more present in your own life.
Lesson 33: Set boundaries
This is what you will and will not accept in your life. To get clear on your boundaries, you need to identity your own limits. You want to understand where is your "I draw the line here" in different scenarios. For example, it could be that you're happy for your in laws to call over, but not unannounced. Boundaries can be physical and tangible or emotional and intangible.Then be clear to be kind by letting others know these limits/boundaries. This will often involve conversations of courage as you're exerting your boundaries, and pushing up against someone else's boundaries or conditioning. (e.g. your mother in law likes to be spontaneous; in her house everyone dropped in unannounced) When people push up against your boundaries you have the ACE choice: Accept it, change it or exit it.
Lesson 34: Failure is feedback
Don't expect to be perfect - how can you be, you're human? We are riddled with imperfections! The key is not to be limited by past mistakes. Acknowledge the mistake, see how you can change, and move on. You want to think about "failing forward"; this means creating "better" problems for yourself. This is recognising you are going to make mistakes, but acknowledges the progress you've made, as they are now better mistakes. True failure is when you keep repeating the same negative cycles and don't learn from them. That's when you need to go deeper to see what unconscious thoughts are causing that damaging cycle. I love the Nelson Mandela quote "I never lose. I either win or I learn". I think that's the perfect lens to put on failure. Failure is feedback, a source of learning.
Lesson 35: Be yourself
The best person you can be in this world is yourself. That's the role you were put on this earth for. And the joy of growing older, is that we start to see different versions of ourselves as we move through the seasons of our life. For me, I am definitely a calmer, more grounded, more confident person in my 30s than I was in my 20s. Being yourself tales time and work; it doesn't just happen by being on autopilot. Build a personal mission statement. Think about your values and boundaries. Spending time nourishing yourself. Take courses. read more. Spend time everyday doing things that bring you joy. When you live authentically, you live a life true to what you really want. How powerful is that.
When I started this list, I was wondering how I would find 35 lessons to write about. Finishing this now, the list seemed too short to tell you about all the lessons I've learned over the years. Thank you for reading this far. I can't wait to look back at this list in the future, and feel compassion and wonder about how much I knew, but also for how much I had to learn. Everyday we grow older is a blessing, one I am very grateful for. Now time for cake!
I would love to hear your major life lessons in the comments below. 🥰🥰🥰
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