Trust is the key foundation for every successful and healthy relationship. It's the feeling of safeness that you have with another human being. It's the highest form of human motivation, and when it exists, it brings out the very best in people.
Trust can seem like this really "soft" concept though. You know when you trust someone or not, but you can't quite put your finger on why. You can feel when trust has broken down between two parties, but you don't really know a practical way to rebuild it.
“You can’t buy trust in the supermarket." – His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Trust is not something you just get, it’s something you need to earn
Trust isn't as abstract as we might initially think though. In his book The Speed of Trust, Stephen M R Covey describes trust in basic terms: "Simply put, trust means confidence. The opposite of trust - distrust - is suspicion. When you trust people, you have confidence in them - in their integrity and their abilities. When you distrust people, you are suspicious of them - of their integrity, their agenda, their capabilities, or their track record. It's that simple."
It is like having an "Emotional Bank Account". And just like your regular bank account it means that you need to make lodgements to it, as well as withdrawals. Otherwise it will go into a negative.
Why is trust important?
On the positive side, trust makes people feel eager to be part of a relationship or group, with a shared purpose and a willingness to depend on each other. If the level of trust is low in a relationship or organization, people limit their involvement and what they are willing to do or share. If the trust level is high, people reward it by giving more. Being trusting and trustworthy helps you build meaningful relationships and perform better in every part of your life.
So how do I build trust?
There are lots of practical frameworks we can use to cultivate and grow trust with others. My favorite is the BRAVING framework from the celebrated author & researcher Dr. Brene Brown.
The BRAVING acronym stands for:
Boundaries
Reliability
Accountability
Vault
Integrity
Non-judgment
Generosity
Let's dig into these one by one below:
Boundaries
Are you a people pleaser? Do you say yes to things and then later wonder why the hell you did? If you're nodding along "yes", then please, give yourself permission to set better boundaries. Why? Trust cannot grow in a relationship where it's all about one person. To get clear on your boundaries, you need to identity your own limits. You want to understand where is your "I draw the line here" in different scenarios. Boundaries can be physical and tangible or emotional and intangible.Then be clear to be kind by letting others know these limits/boundaries.
Boundaries serve many functions. They help to protect us, to clarify what is our responsibility and what is someone else's, they preserve our physical and emotional energy, keep us focused on what is most important, and help us live to our values and standards..
Identify your limits: you can do this by taking notice of how things make you feel. If things are
making you feel stressed or uncomfortable, this is a way of clarifying your limits
In particular pay attention to feelings of: (1) discomfort, (2) resentment, or (3) guilt
When a situation happens, ask yourself, "How uncomfortable, resentful, or guilty am I feeling
now?" Rate your answer on a scale of 1-10 (10 highest). This is going to help you draw out your personal limits, and it is for you to communicate them clearly when needed.
What you should end up with is a way of living where people respect your boundaries, and when they are unsure of what is OK, they ask you.
Reliability
Reliability is the precondition for trust. This really comes from the promise to yourself and others that "I will do what I will say I will do". This is so critical as trust is built in those really small moments e.g. you turn up when you say you will, call when you say you will, do an errand when you've promised you would. Remember: What you do consistently is more important than what you do every now and again. Think about it - who do you trust more; the friend who is always there for you, or the friend who shows up once a year on your birthday?
Trust isn't built by words alone, it is created with action. So fulfill your commitments
"You are what you do, not what you say you will do" - Carl Jung
Accountability
Trust and accountability are two sides of the same coin. Both parties should hold themselves accountable for key expectations and desired results. I can only trust you if when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologise for it, and make amends. Anyone who is never wrong will never get the truth, or trust, from others.
Vault
A vault is a room or compartment often built of steel, for the safekeeping of valuables. People's stories, experiences, thoughts and feelings are equally valuable pieces of them, not just their material possessions. Vault is all about confidentiality. What I share with you, I want to know you will hold in a confidence "vault' between us. I want to feel confident that you don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.
People often share the stories and experiences of others to hotwire connection, using gossip or information to try “get in” with someone. "Did you hear what X did?". How tempting is it to share someone else’s story because it might make you look good? This is creating a false connection of trust though, as those with integrity should question this means of connecting, rightly worried about what pieces of what you share with them, you will tell to other people.
I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. Trust is built is these very small moments of real connection and truth.
"The challenge is to stop using gossip, common enemy intimacy, and oversharing as a way to hotwire connection" - Dr. Brene Brown
Integrity
Integrity means that our actions match our words. Honesty and trust are central to integrity.
It's not congruent if what people do is different than what they say “In work: your opinion is important to me; but they don’t invite you to a meeting where you could have shared that opinion”. In your personal life, it's not enough to say you value your family and friends, but then spend no time cultivating those relationships, working all the time, or you're the person who always bails on plans with them. Integrity requires you to be transparent, honest and lead by example.
To live with integrity we should:
Choose courage over comfort
Choose what is right, over what is fun, fast or easy
Practice our values, not just profess them
This all starts with knowing what your guiding values are. One of the most powerful things you can do, is to stop living your life on autopilot or according to others' expectations of you, and get in touch with what is truly important to you. For me, one of the most powerful exercises I did to help with this, was to imagine "It's your 80th Birthday Party.. What are the words people use to describe you?". This helped me clarify my own values, and then build my own personal mission statement that I live by to create my own integrity.
Non-Judgment
Trust creates non-judgmental relationships. We rate, categorise and judge everything. It seems ingrained in our modern way of thinking - for better or worse. We like things on instagram. We leave reviews. We fill out feedback forms. We judge constantly.
So, why do we judge? Judgement is our Ego’s primary reaction to a situation that causes it to feel challenged and/or threatened. Judgement is the natural means by which we determine threat and danger. It is a tool for survival. And yet, those things we judge as "wrong" or "bad" often bother us so much that they can have a negative impact on our lives, driving us to rage, self-loathing, depression etc. In fact, our constant, and often unduly harsh, judgement of ourselves and others is often the root of all our suffering.
Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame. And that judging something about yourself means that you will judge the same thing in others. So when you find yourself judging someone else, it's actually more than likely shining a bigger light on something you need to work through, not the other person. For example, if I pass a judgement that you are not a good friend as you haven't been in touch, I'm likely vulnerable to shame and judging myself that I haven't been a good friend myself.
It can feel good to judge other people. It helps us forget about our own failings, or where we are falling short. "You'll never guess what so and so did, can you believe it?" But it's a short-winned high as it doesn't feel good to be judgmental. After all, we are all human, we all have failings, we all are learning. People are doing the best they can with what they know right now.
Real trust doesn't exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgmental.
"I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how to feel without judgement"
Being honest, passing judgement is something I struggle with massively. I set such high expectations for myself, I feel myself judging others when they didn't meet up to those standards. My standards. My expectations. Ones they didn't even know existed. It's something I am still working on, but learning to be more compassionate has really helped me. These guided self compassion mediations have been a game changer.
Generosity
Assume the best of others. The world is a hard and lonely place if you think the whole world is out to get you all the time. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when they leave a poor first impression. Look to extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others. For example, you don't get invited to a party and you're upset about that. Assume that it's because they could only invite a limited number of people, rather than they deliberately excluded you.
Tip: To help you think the best of others, imagine the statement or action coming from someone you really like and trust.
Perhaps you think your Dad is very hard on you. But when your Mum offers feedback, it's because she genuinely has your best interests at heart. So if your Dad says something that upsets you, imagine that statement having come from your Mum, and see if that helps you re-frame it.
How to cultivate self-trust
Intertwined through all of this, is that you cannot create trust with others if you do not trust yourself. Self trust is the first secret to success.
"I don't trust people who don't love themselves but say I love you" - Maya Angelou
Trust of others begins with self-trust. If you can’t count on yourself you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have. Trusting yourself helps other to trust you
Dr. Brown shares the following 7 questions as a tool for assessing our level of self-trust.
B – Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?
R—Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?
A—Did I hold myself accountable?
V—Did I respect the vault and share accordingly?
I—Did I act from my integrity?
N—Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help?
G—Was I generous towards myself?
Rebuilding Trust
Trust is a fluid concept, you don't achieve it and then have it forever. You always need to work on it, and things will happen that will cause it to break down.
You’re taking a risk when you trust someone e.g. delegating a task to a team member, sharing something confidential with a friend. And there will be times where people will break your trust.
What’s helpful to remember is that trust is an ongoing exchange between people and is not static. Trust can be earned. It can be lost. And it can be regained.
Yet even trust that is earned can be quickly lost and cannot be quickly regained. Trust takes a long time and much effort to develop, but only one event to diminish it or eliminate it completely.
The most important thing to do in order to rebuild trust is take ownership of the mistake or issue. You need to clearly articulate that you understand why your someone has lost trust in you and acknowledge the mistakes you made.
You may not just be able to say sorry and get straight back to where you were before. Don’t rush the process, give people time and if you are sincere in your approach eventually you will regain their trust.
Trust life, and it will teach you, in all it's joy and sorrow, all you need to know.
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