One of the biggest lessons I've learned in my career is that your words have weight. People remember what you said. They quote it back to you months, even years later. Words you used as throwaway comments, that you didn't give thought to, people repeat them back to you, long after you forgot you had spoken them.
Sometimes this elephant memory is good. I love when my team repeat back something that has meaning and can help them. There is a common refrain of "Don't be a hero"; "Solve for the customer", "What you do consistently is more important than what you do every now and again" and "Be kind" that follows me around.
It seems to go against the conventional business wisdom though right, because 93% of communication is non-verbal, making communication all about your body language and tone. The reality of the modern world though, and especially during the last few months of COVID-19 lock down, is that we don't always get that face to face or audio interaction to be able to make the most of body language and tone. Lots of us use messaging apps like Slack at work, or Whatsapp for personal. We send emails and text messages, or submit chat tickets. There is no tone or body language in a purely written message, so your words are the only thing that the other person has to go on.
Your words can be triggers. Use them wisely
We all have triggers. Trigger words and phrases are those that cause a listener to feel strong emotions because of previous experiences. Physiologically it's how the human body is designed to survive, with our "fight-or-flight" response kicking in when we felt threatened. I know lots of people expound the benefits of the "5 Whys". I personally believe that "why" is one of the most triggering words there is. Unless said with exactly the right tone, and when you are truly absorbed in listening to the person with whom you're talking to, expect the person to be triggered. For many "why" may not feel that you are questioning the process or system, but rather than you are questioning them, their worth, expertise and intelligence.
I much prefer to use "How come?". It achieves exactly the same answer, but it's a more open and exploratory term, inviting the other party to consider their thoughts, but without feeling like you're questioning their inner reasoning.
Are your words making people feel less?
For a lot of us, we need to remember to check our privilege and unresolved negative emotions at the door, so it doesn't seep into our words. Our words should open up conversations, not close them down because we are using language that makes other people feel "less".
I've seen this surface in the workplace when an idea is discounted because it doesn't come from someone with a "title", or because the person making the suggestion is young and perceived as inexperienced. Beginner's mindset is amazing for unlocking creative ideas, we should listen to what everyone at every level has to say. I've seen it surface with gender, "I'm an old man, that's why they listen to me". It's pretty old fashioned for your gender to be connected to your influence. Your impact should define your influence.
I've seen it where people use their words as weapons, designed to hurt and splinter. They've had a bad day, so now so too will you. Their words are not designed to motivate you or teach you; they are designed to put you down, keep you in your place, to hurt you. "I think things are better now that you are not involved". There is nothing constructive in that sentence, it's simply a word missile designed to directly attack a person.
To me, the worse version of this is where your words are taken away from you. That's the ultimate "less". Our words are powerful and we should relish in the ability to voice and share them.
How you frame things?
Do you apologise even when you haven't done something wrong? Do you quickly get frustrated when you feel someone has let you down? And that bleeds into your words? How you frame things to yourself will impact on how you communicate to others.
I like to reframe the negative to the positive, and have my words be focused on solutions and compassion, rather than deference and negativity.
"I'm very sorry for the delay" becomes "Thank you for your patience"
"No problem", or "No worries" becomes "Absolutely" or "Definitely"
"I'm so frustrated, I asked for that to be done and they didn't do it right" becomes "They made a mistake. It happens, we are all human"
Choose every word with care
Whether I am writing or speaking, I am mindful to choose every word with care and attention, as the words we choose express our thoughts and feelings. I think about if I am using a "big word" to sound smart, or because it actually captures the essence of what I am trying to say. I aim to explain complex problems in simple language. I am careful of using trigger words like "but" or "why". I try avoid using terminology or jargon, as they tend to be meaningless ("synergy" anyone!) and exclusionary to those outside your circle. I strive to be concise (that took work!). I think about if I should be using "I" or "We"; who is owning what is being said? And more than anything, I want my words to be kind, compassionate and empathetic, to inspire people, to build a desire in them to build themselves up, not to tear anyone down.
Speak authentically
To be true to yourself, you need to be authentic. And your words will express that to the world. Being authentic means coming from a real place within. It is when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values.
People resonate with authentic people, as they can feel the deep truth in their words. It can be easy to adopt someone else's voice; someone you look up to, or someone you see succeeding in an area you want success in. But you are not that person. That is not your voice. You need to find your own voice, and to do that, you have to look within, before you can project that out. Spend time thinking, reflecting, learning.
I found this article by Emma Serlin that I think has some great tips on how to cultivate authentic speech:
Tip #1 Know your own values
Tip #2 Get clear on your intention/objective
Tip #3 Speak with emotion
Tip # 4 Authentic delivery
Tip # 5 Know your audience and connect with them
Last but certainly not least, be kind with your words. Our words matter, people will remember them, and they can make a lasting impact. Let that lasting impact be a positive one.
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