This month I broke up with my job. Well I broke up with it months ago, but a long notice period meant it took a while to close that job transition chapter. Going through this made me realise how much we underestimate the emotional impact of leaving a job. Finishing in a job can be just as heartbreaking as ending a romantic relationship. Whether you left, were fired or were let go, there can be many difficult emotions to work through when you end up breaking up with your job.
When someone breaks up with their significant other, we rally around. There is a night out with friends, and lots of passionate conversations about how you are "better off without them". But when we break up with our job, not much attention or focus is given to that experience. I guess people are happy if you are happy, but no one asks how it was to be finishing with a job that I had loved for years. How was I feeling? What support do you need?
Just like when you enter a romantic relationship, when you enter a working relationship, you have expectations and dreams of what it will turn out like. You didn't enter that relationship thinking it will end, so when it does, it's painful as you are saying goodbye to the future you had once imagined.
Breaking up is hard to do. I was devastated to leave a job I once loved. Like anything you care about, it is hard to say goodbye. But when you know it is for the best, you need to work through the emotions to come out the other side ready for an even brighter future.
What I learned from breaking up with my job:
It will be emotional
It will be weird
People will treat you different
You will have moments of doubt
Don't bring the past into your future
Change is crucial
1. Job Transitions will be emotional
Breaking up with your job will be emotional. After all you are experiencing a loss and so you will have the usual stages of grief. Cycles of sadness and self doubt. Somedays you will be sad, other days angry. That's normal. I tried to feel the feelings rather than supress them, even when I didn't really understand them (I choose to leave so why was I sad?). Give yourself space and time to feel your feelings, rather than pressurising yourself to just "get on with it".
2. It will be weird
Especially with a long notice period. You are like a "ghost" employee, hovering around the edges. Your once full calendar, is now barren. (I had been trying for months to have a less full calendar, I guess be careful what you wish for!) But I'm grateful this happened in 2020 when the coronavirus pandemic made the world weird, so I just embraced the weirdness!
3. People will treat you different
Instantly your circle at work disappears or changes. You are no longer invited to meetings. People stop asking your opinion. This of course makes total sense from the employer point of view, it's just strange when you are on the other side of it. One of the best pieces of advice I got, was not to worry about that, and instead use the time to build the life you want going forward. I guess it allowed me to channel all that new found time and energy into productive channels like creating better morning routines, rather than ruminating on feeling left out.
4. You will have moments of doubt
That new hire you have been asking for starts and he's amazing. You know you could have done some great work with him. Or you have an idea and then realise you are not there to have ideas about the future anymore. These are the moments where you wonder to yourself, maybe things weren't as bad as I made out, maybe I could make this work etc. You made your initial decision for a reason so unless something fundamental changes, trust yourself and stick to your guns about leaving.
5. Don't bring the past into your future
Whatever the reason you are breaking up with your job, it's important you unpack it now so you don't bring that baggage to your new gig. I found journaling and talking to people I trust really helped me to understand what aspects of culture and performance I wanted to leave behind.
6. Change is crucial
A relationship is a two way thing and no relationship ends all because one party is at fault. Being honest with yourself and making positive changes that will serve you better in the future is a good thing that can come from the experience. For me this was rediscovering the joy of yoga, starting a regular meditation practice, getting a rock solid morning routine going and doing more online courses and workshops than I had done in years! Being creative and taking care of myself make me a better person and so a better employee, and these are changes I will keep doing. It was the breakup that shone light on how important they were, and how much I'd been neglecting them.
What helped during the break up?
Using the time to acknowledge strengths and weaknesses. I have learned from my past mistakes and will adapt to succeed on my next journey
Taking up new hobbies and building new routines. For example I started writing this blog, and starting an online evening course on cultivating creativity
I had more fun!
Focusing on me, rather than others. Asking myself, "what do I need", "how do I feel" regularly throughout the day
Having clearly defined handover responsibilities, a blueprint for what you need to do before you go. I guess like a workplace pre-nup where each party knows what it is expected of each other, and what they get to keep!
Taking it one day at a time. Having a long notice period, is like breaking up with someone but still having to live together because there is 3 months left on your lease! At the start that seems like an eternity, and you wonder how you will do it. So you take it one day, one task at a time.
Positive affirmations. I really didn't get or like these for the longest time, but during the last 8 weeks they have really got me through. When you find yourself in a situation where very few people are now speaking to you, how you speak to yourself becomes a lot more important
Being replaced
It hurts to be replaced. If you were to break up with a partner, how weird would it be if when your old lover got a new partner, that you were expected to show them around the home you had shared together. Show them how the oven is tricky when you are baking so you need to use a particular setting, how your son won't eat vegetables for dinner despite you having tried a million tricks to widen his palette, and how you usually shop at Aldi as the plan had been to save for a house. But when we are replaced at work, we have to share all of these everyday details with a total stranger, these hard fought wins and lessons, that took great effort and perhaps personal sacrifice to achieve. And they are not there to appreciate that, they are there to judge it and find all the shortcomings and do better. They wonder why you shop at Aldi when the food quality is much better at Supervalu? Not knowing or appreciating that there was a time when you would never have had the budget to even consider that.
How do you get past that? You have to remember and acknowledge that is just them doing their job: they were brought in to make things better. And they are coming into things at a different point in time. Be happy they are happy and filled with ideas - that will be the motivation and enthusiasm you wish for yourself at your new job. I think it's also important for your self confidence to acknowledge that the scenarios are not the same. If you had a different workload, different resources or helped the company through different phases, it's normal that you are not in the same position they are now to do what they are doing. Also everyone brings different skills - they might be stronger in one area, but there is a flip side to that. You are stronger in others. They are in the honeymoon stage, while unfortunately you are going through a divorce!
Acknowledge your pain. Being replaced in a relationship is hurtful because we all need connection and to feel like we belong. You might feel sad, confused, stressed, or angry about your former company moving on. That's normal and it's better to acknowledge these feelings than supress them.
Somedays you may feel like a failure because you couldn’t make it work even though you really wanted it to. You’ll miss the good days and the fun. You’ll miss the great feeling your work used to give you. You'll miss your work family. Let yourself feel these things and then when the tears are dry, you feel relieved and excited for new possibilities. You were the one that needed a change. Be happy for them and for yourself. Hopefully it will work out that you are both now in your dream jobs.
What next?
In a break up, we focus on the loss as it is what is hurting us right now. But when we loose things, we make space for new things to come into our life. What I have been telling myself everyday is that a new future is waiting for you and it could be better than you have ever imagined.
Now it is time to write a new story 😊
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